Okay, I know I’m going overboard with the youtube stuff. But this does have some relevance to me (well almost). I don’t own a car and haven’t for over 8 years now as all the cities that I have lived in have fantastic public transport and Japan has an amazing transport system for practically anywhere in the country.
Now how many of you have ever wondered where you left the car in a parking building, well I have. I didn’t even know about robotic parking until I walked down the street I live in and saw something that could only be a robitic parking builing, and here folks is how it works!!
With Chemo brain like I have this is fantastic. Now do I go out and buy a car to try it out with!!
Well I’m almost at the end of my journey with cancer, yet that in itself is also not accurate. Once you have had cancer you always have cancer in a way, not the actual thing growing in part of your body, but there is always that dreaded thought that the little barstard is lurking around and will raise its ugly head sometime when least expected.
There is also the physical changes that have taken place. I know that the hair is a temporary thing and when I get back home I’m going to clipper the remaining stuff as it just looks like I’ve had chemo at the moment (not unaccurate), and shaven will at least give me back control. Its just taken a few days to get used to the idea is all.
The most physical change is that I’ve had part of my body cut way, okay granted not a part used a hell of a lot, but there is that constant reminder there. So what next well I’ve another blood test tommorow which if given the way that I’m feeling should be showing blood counters going nicely upwards, then its start to resume life.
Question, how do you resume a life that has been shattered to pieces by cancer. Well I’ve got some idea’s now after some soul healing. Firstly lets not sweat the small stuff – go for the bigger picture here. I don’t want to be around or associated with people who take away. Secondly other than regular checkups which will be a breeze this cancer thing is being swept out of the door, all be it a now remodelled door. Call it denial, I’m calling it moving on!
A silver lining of the last few weeks is that I have had sometime to track down spices for indian cooking online. Have slipped away from my handlers to take delivery of a load of goodies. not least of which being a load of tamarind paste. Can be used for no end of yummy things.
Blood results are not good as my platelet levels keep dropping. Now down so far that i have to stay in the hospital so I won’t fall and bleed. Also I cannot fight infection at the moment. I just want this to end so I make plans to get away.
The title is from the brillant song by Toni Childs and just fits whats going on here at the moment. I’m now seriously considering leaving the company and Japan and heading back home.
I’ve had a great time her but events over the last few weeks are really making me question things. Broken promises and misplaced trust have left me feeling similiar to the last few months in Ireland. The best cure for that was a clean start.
Well I’m almost finished with the chemo course, just waiting for my blood results to stabilise and start going up then I can be discharged from the hospital.
Its been mind numbingly boring the last 2 weeks waiting for drips to finish and now injections and blood tests. Having to spend all my time indoors due to risk of infection has only made that worse. I’ve been lucky in that I had a number of TV series to catch up on and House MD has provided me some good laughs since they let me stay at home.
A couple of really good friends over-seas have been fantastic at checking up on me via MSN and email which has made me think long and hard about staying here in Japan. Being lonely at work and busy is one thing. Being lonely and sick quite another. Basically its not right place for me to be and I think after this experience its time to move on.
Having cancer is no picnic in the park as anyone who has had it will testify too. It does however have a couple of silver linings. One of these is a certain clarity of vision. Leading upto and during the treatments there are so many things going on its like a monsoon, you can’t see for all the rain and you feel constantly wet
Yet when its over the air is so clean and clear everything is seen anew. One of those things being looked at is the friends I thought I had and the ones I didn’t even know I had. Its amazing how many go running for cover when the rain starts. Others who say they will always be there for you and then decide that being wet isn’t so fun and indoors is a much better option.
What these fine weather friends don’t realise is that when the sun does come out again I won’t be. When you are limited to the amount of energy you have for a period of time you use it where it matters the most, not on people who no longer need.
Back to the Urologist today to begin stage two of my treatment. The recommendation is for Chemotherapy as according to Japan or latest protocols radiotherapy is not as effective, it was in line with some reading I had done from the UK, so that’s now the course of action. Next step is to meet my oncologist this Friday, watch this space.
I’ve started reading the first parts of the Lance Armstrong book ‘Its Not About the Bike’, a friend recommended it to me and I was going to start it when I came out of hospital but found that even reading a couple of pages was just too upsetting. It’s still causing a few tears now, but more I think from understanding than from me feeling sorry for myself or scared.
Everything has gone really well so far and the outlook is really good, but you still can’t help thinking about the 5% who didn’t make it. Its odd being at the point where I’m actually feeling better day by day and now I’m going to be heading back to hospital to become sick again. (while quietly hoping that the effects will be mild). I guess again I need to wait until Friday to find out all those details as well.
