Blood results are not good as my platelet levels keep dropping. Now down so far that i have to stay in the hospital so I won’t fall and bleed. Also I cannot fight infection at the moment. I just want this to end so I make plans to get away.

The title is from the brillant song by Toni Childs and just fits whats going on here at the moment. I’m now seriously considering leaving the company and Japan and heading back home.

I’ve had a great time her but events over the last few weeks are really making me question things. Broken promises and misplaced trust have left me feeling similiar to the last few months in Ireland. The best cure for that was a clean start.

hmm a change of pace could be just whats needed.

Well I’m almost finished with the chemo course, just waiting for my blood results to stabilise and start going up then I can be discharged from the hospital.

Its been mind numbingly boring the last 2 weeks waiting for drips to finish and now injections and blood tests. Having to spend all my time indoors due to risk of infection has only made that worse. I’ve been lucky in that I had a number of TV series to catch up on and House MD has provided me some good laughs since they let me stay at home.

A couple of really good friends over-seas have been fantastic at checking up on me via MSN and email which has made me think long and hard about staying here in Japan. Being lonely at work and busy is one thing. Being lonely and sick quite another. Basically its not right place for me to be and I think after this experience its time to move on.

Having cancer is no picnic in the park as anyone who has had it will testify too. It does however have a couple of silver linings. One of these is a certain clarity of vision. Leading upto and during the treatments there are so many things going on its like a monsoon, you can’t see for all the rain and you feel constantly wet

Yet when its over the air is so clean and clear everything is seen anew. One of those things being looked at is the friends I thought I had and the ones I didn’t even know I had. Its amazing how many go running for cover when the rain starts. Others who say they will always be there for you and then decide that being wet isn’t so fun and indoors is a much better option.

What these fine weather friends don’t realise is that when the sun does come out again I won’t be. When you are limited to the amount of energy you have for a period of time you use it where it matters the most, not on people who no longer need.

With so many serious things going on its always good to find something to find something that gives you a giggle! Or in this case a bloody good laugh.

The actual chemo started today. Its now 9pm and the etopomide is still
being pumped in and will sometimes feeling a little odd nothing major so
far.

Well other than having to pee half a litre every 20 minutes. Which is a
good thing as the kidneys are working.!

Back to the Urologist today to begin stage two of my treatment. The recommendation is for Chemotherapy as according to Japan or latest protocols radiotherapy is not as effective, it was in line with some reading I had done from the UK, so that’s now the course of action. Next step is to meet my oncologist this Friday, watch this space.

I’ve started reading the first parts of the Lance Armstrong book ‘Its Not About the Bike’, a friend recommended it to me and I was going to start it when I came out of hospital but found that even reading a couple of pages was just too upsetting. It’s still causing a few tears now, but more I think from understanding than from me feeling sorry for myself or scared.

Everything has gone really well so far and the outlook is really good, but you still can’t help thinking about the 5% who didn’t make it. Its odd being at the point where I’m actually feeling better day by day and now I’m going to be heading back to hospital to become sick again. (while quietly hoping that the effects will be mild). I guess again I need to wait until Friday to find out all those details as well.

Once again another date and another wait.

It’s all kicking off now. Drip is in and saline flowing in