Well, I’m back now from an amazing two weeks in
Cambodia. It is the second time that I’ve been there and there is so much change
from 7 years ago. I won’t say it was a real eye opener as my eyes have already
been well opened to the life that exists in much of the world in poverty, but it
was a reawakening of a part of me that had gone into hibernation.

The
bus trip from Phnom Penh to Siem Reap was like recall to life. I’ve spent the
last 6 months doing nothing but think about me, cancer and what next. I still
don’t have the answers to what next as cancer does not give you that luxury.
However it did bring me screaming back to world reality and over the two weeks
there life readjusted itself to the real realities that many live in.

I’m still processing the pictures from the trip as I took so many, the
river trip from Siem Reap to Battambang was a total insight to river life and I
would say one of the most incredible river trips you can ever do. I had seen
something similiar in the Mekong Delta, but not for such a long journey as much
of that was by van, not boat. What you see on that river trip is spectacular and
such a slice of life that most won’t even understand it.

More later

I had to return to the hospital (yet) again for the results of testing. I’m not sure how doctors do it, but they always make it sound like there is something they are not telling you, like giving you the good news first leading upto the bad news!

I’ve learnt something really interesting
in the last week or so. Some people really perceive themselves as
being seen by others by what the own. This concept has fascianted
me during this period as I’ve never really come across someone so
totally orientated towards this concept. Thinking back I had friend
and university who thought that way, but back then I never really
processed it properly.

Now looking at the world I guess most of the west is driven by this
having to own more expensive things than the next person. Cars seem
to be the big thing. Interestingly I’m watching a discovery
channel program about car shops that produce cars for people who
what the ‘car’ to be seen in. Its fun watching the program to see
what happens, but the end result leaves me rather dry.

Not that I love a great looking car, and I’vd driven some
wonderful rentals in my time, but they dont’ define me. I don’t
own a car and haven’t for years. The ones I did were second/third
many hands before me.

What expensive toys to I own. Well my Bose headphones and they were
a treat so I could listen to my music and tv programs in hospital
with lovely comfy headphones. (ps they are comfortable and have
great sound).

Next most expensive toys are my computer equipment as I use them/it
all the time for many things, phone, DVD’s radio, and an actual
computer. Then I guess the next thing would be my kitchen ware. odd
huh.

Now ask me what are the most valuable things in my life. Well thats
easy. My photos, and books that I’ve collected from around the
world. My journals of where I have been are ireplaceable. Why
because they define where I’ve been, how what I saw and how I
felt.

I guess at the end of this little revelation I realised I’m not an
asset person, I’m a where/what person. I would rather be defined
by where I been, what I’ve done and how I see the world than any
tangible item that I own. My most precious items are the small
reminders that I have of these things.

If you want to own a Tag Heur watch go for it. I would rather spend
the money and go see Borobudur in Indonesia, it totally timeless so
who really needs a watch.

I wrote this a few weeks back, but after
another reading it seemed appropriate to post it.

I am sure I mentioned that the transition between treatment of
cancer and then after is something. Welll I had read up on the
‘stage’ and feld that it was not going to affect me.
Well how wrong was I, its just not that you have had cancer and
then come back to the real world. Its more like you have had cancer
and lived in a totally different world then have to switch back to
the world of everyone else who has not been through this. Some are
very understanding, others nice, but none really understand.

I think part of it is that for a period
you are spending so much time and energy in the battle with this
disease that many of the ‘normal’ world concerns pass
you by as you are so wrapped up in what is important,

When it starts to become all over the rest
of society want you to be the same as before, but that’s
really not possible. They have not been through the choices that
must and have to be made, quite simply they really just don’t
understand.

Well I’ve spent a good part of the
weekend upgrading my PC from Windows XP to Vista, which I’m now
nick naming blista, cos thats what my mouse finger has. What a pain
in the next upgrade its been. 

Would I recommend going to it. Well only if you have a certain
tendency towards pain. Nothing about this operating system is
designed to make life easy. Quite frankly having played around with
Linux desktop for a while I’m having some serious thoughts of
using that as my permenant workstation. Not that Linux is easy, but
the hoops you have to jump through with Vista are bringing it upto
the same level and at least with Linux you have an established
support base.

The irony is that its supposed to be the best windows ever, well
its certainly not going anywhere near my parents computer. I can
just support them on XP from a few thousand miles. I can barely
support this installation of Vista and I’m sitting right in front
of the screen.

What a strange weekend its been. Its supposed to be spring now with the Sakura in full blossum and weather sunny. Japanese people are supposed to be sitting under the tree’s drinking Sake, at Haname and probably composing dreadful poetry. Actually I think they have been doing that regardless of weather.

Well today was our goal setting review
date where you sit down with you manager and discuss your goals for
the year. Well what an interesting session that was. Firstly
neither of us were looking forward to the session, and with very
different reasons.

After a rocky start it appeared that various communications between
another manager had completely garbled messages and set us both off
on completely different tangents. It wasn’t  just one statement, but
rather a whole truckload of things that had been garbled in the
translations and communications. My manager was under the
impression that I was transferring in two months time to another
office.

Given that I’d yet to have a conversation about this the two month
figure is rather startling cos it was certainly news to me. It
would be nice to transfer to Sydney and its what I was after, but
again where did the two months come from. No wonder she didn’t
want to do the review. Why set goals that are redudant.

Long story short, or short meeting turned into long we seemed to
have cleared the air about alot of things and hopefully life will
settle back to normal abit now.

Well today has been a real wake up call
for me. I’ve realised why I’m finding it so difficult to adapt
back to work, I keep thinking that things are the same before I
left, which is actually a bi-directional mistake. They have all had
to adapt to me not being there, and I need to adapt that things I
was involved in before have moved on and don’t need me so its time
to stop feeling resentment that the vacum has been filled and move
onto area’s were I can make a difference, and then be there to
make sure they happen.

Hopefully people will also wake up to the fact that I’m back, but
with a different perspective than before. I’m guessing its all
about finding a balance again. I’ve also taken some actions to
recognise that things haven’t been all rosy and sunny, then accept
that and move onwards.

One mistake I made was trying to push people into a more positive
attitude towards things, and expended so much of my energy to soon.
Its still a good ambition but pacing is the key here.

I’m still trying to work through the after effects of the treatment and came across this statement. It sums up alot of what I’m feeling exactly.

"Everything you do is suddenly a decision; there are no automatic routines," , "Whether to go back to work, how to find your way to the hospital—everything you have to do involves choices…. In addition to the emotional arousal, that can make processing information extremely difficult."

Things really are going from bad to worse for me here, I cannot stand work anymore. Walked back into a you are ‘shite’ email that was totally unecessary, didn’t need to be sent and was basically a personnel attack. The tension in this office is so thick that you would need diamond tipped cutting blade to get through it, and then have a few blades reserve. You might say the place has some bad chi, and you would not be wrong. The chi packed up its sorry arse bags and left the building ages ago.

Its so depressing here that we could open up viewing tours for depressesed people, so they could be cured by seeing that there truely are people worse off than themselves. You could say its slit your wrists time, but the blood probably would take one peek outside the vain and scream, ‘no fucking way are we going out there’, then high tail it back in and go sulk around your spleen for a week or so.

The cherry blossum is all out now and about the most excitement I felt for it was that the wind was probably going to blow them all off. Well either that or rain them off with my own private little thunderstorm that I seem to be carrying around.

The last two days have been hell. My left knee has decided to have its go at having arthritis and hurts all the time, which
has caused me to become incredibly tired. And when I get tired it all
gets to much for me, and now it has gotten to much. 

I’m getting worried that I’ve past the point of being down and moved
over the line to depression, spent most of the day asleep drugged out
on panadeine which is cutting through the pain. Then the work thing is
getting to me and I’m still unclear about the test results. Then
because I can see that I”m down I get angry about it all and how much
I’ve lost because of the cancer and so far it just seems like a big
downward spiral.